Love the advice to wait a day or two. I can be a big oversharer in real life, but can be too closed online so when I do decide to share something personal online, it almost always takes me a few days to actually hit publish. Thank you for sharing!
This is so good. I'm a big believer in not sharing something until the initial pain/hurt/emotion has passed. Once I've dealt with it myself I often feel happier about putting it out there. While I'm processing it, it still feels too raw
I naturally tell stories about myself, some raw, others funny, many somewhat risky.
Those are the most practical guidelines I have read on if, when and how to “spill my guts” with vulnerability so I don’t hurt others I love or embarrass myself.
Thank you.
I am at a juncture of vulnerability. I am a former journalist who pivoted to nonprofit communications for 15 years. At 64, I am now considering a life of semi-retirement with coaching and writing.
I am researching if Substack is a smart platform for me. This and your other tips help.
My vulnerability platform for several years has been medium. I have written articles under the semi – pseudonym of M.M. O’Keefe. My middle name is Michael so the initials are accurate but when people in the industry I used to work for Googled my name they had to scroll down quite a bit and click to figure out M.M. is actually me. I have only occasionally written there as of late but still have a good collection of Medium stories on a variety of topics.
Focus is another challenge for me.
My new idea for integrated focus is to tell personal and practically helpful stories about ONE broad topic on Substack that could be curated and aggregated into a book.
Now that I am not working full-time I feel liberated and uninhibited to lower the drawbridge of my heart to a wider audience.
But my wife is very private.
Your guidelines are helpful to take it slow and never hit publish when I am emotional.
I am Irish. So I am often emotional.
I will keep reading more from experts like you before I start writing here.
Thank you both for this article. I was eager to read it as soon as I saw it.
I'm trying to learn how to “be authentic” and effective while interfacing with a larger spectrum of society (something I historically avoid). It's about an admittedly difficult topic (destigmatizing abuse trauma & recovery). I'm aiming to reach those who can relate to the mental and emotional dynamics, if not always the physical/circumstantial events, while knowing many of my kindred are understandably in the closet and trying to find their way into the light.
My question, if I may, is about: “An example is sharing an anecdote that is only tangentially related to your subject, like someone sharing their childhood trauma in a post where it detracts, rather than adds value to, the story.” You probably have a much more informed view of what people share and why than I do. So I wish I had an exact example of what you mean.
How do I know what detracts and what adds? All I know for certain is how I would hear what I’m saying. But then, for me, discussing trauma and recovery is everyday conversation. After being told all of my therapy-life I’m not a mind-reader, it sounds like that’s what I must be – and why I find this subject so challenging. Any supportive input welcomed.
Thanks Bradley. I guess it's something we've all got to figure out for ourselves. An example that I've seen from Instagram is where someone talks about something painful that happened to them then started flogging a product (for sponcon). That's a more extreme example but hopefully you get the gist.
Hi Trudie, I often stop when writing a personal story and wonder: is it too personal or cringey? Sharing personal anecdotes is definitely not in my comfort zone.
But I want to open up to my audience on a deeper level so I'm sharing personal updates. I also don't want to be oversharing and often I have the feeling I don't have the right words for expressing my feelings in English. I always encourage people to share their messy stories. Scars over scabs.
Interesting that Danusia and Elsa thing it doesn't have to be relatable as I also thought this was important. Do you know the Call Me Daddy podcast? She's sharing vulnerable stories so many can relate to but you have the feeling she's wants to share them no matter what the audience thinks about it and that's what makes it so honest and raw.
Many thoughts here in the comments. Great that your post sparked the discussion on relatability.
Thought I'd add nunace to the 'it doesn't need to be relatable point and your point about oversharing. Let's liken this to charging fees or negotiating work pay. One person may say that charging 1k per day is a HUGE fee while another will see this as gross underpayment for their contributions. It is about threshold - where is your personal threshold and where is your growth zone?
I am private and measured and find writing personally pretty hard, depending on the subject. BUT I know that if I think I know where my readers thresholds are as my audience then I may be doing them a disservice. Who am I to assume I know what my readers can or cannot be with? It is always about what I am willing to stretch out into sharing. How unlikeable I am willing to be. How safe I wish to keep myself. How people pleasing I feel I must be in order to benefit from whatever this brings me - belonging, community, and so on.
Those of us who either write vulnerable posts and/or encourage people to look beyond relatability do NOT necessarily find this easy to do ourselves. We are no less concerned for who we are and the dangers that might come from doing this. But in the end we each take decisions about whether we are expanders. And perhaps too in what ways we will expand people's understanding. Is that aspirationally, inspirationally, relatably, or educationally. It can be a blend of these too.
Here’s what’s coming up for me: relatability. It’s something I explore in my Substack often, and it’s so closely tied to vulnerability. The idea that we’re supposed to write in a way that’s ‘relatable’ - and just vulnerable ‘enough’ - it’s got old, fast.
Think about neurodiversity. How does someone with a neurodivergent mind approach writing for an audience? And no, I’m not saying neurodivergent people are all the same - that would be ridiculous and offensive. But what about my tween 2E daughter, for example? She’s got her own Substack. She’s navigating her voice in a space that’s mostly adults. Is she supposed to shape-shift into something that pleases others, or can she just be her full, messy self?
Here’s the bottom line: when we put guardrails around how we ‘should’ write to fit in, without addressing the bigger, systemic issues - like the ones that exclude certain voices- we’re leaving out something important.
The real work, the kind that changes us, the kind that brings us closer to truth, comes from people showing up as they are. Not bending to fit. Leaning into discomfort. It’s often not ‘relatable.’ It’s raw, it’s real, and it goes all the way to the bone.
Agreed, Danusia, and thanks for your comments. The funny thing is that when we are raw and real, we often are relatable – not to *everyone*, as you've pointed out, but to the people who need to feel seen. I agree with you that trying to be relatable can work against you. I find just being authentic tends to make me relatable to some of my readers. I gave up trying to fit in years ago ;)
I disagree with this completely. There is no right or wrong way on being vulnerable... it's whitewashing to suggest otherwise and excludes a clear and comprehensive understanding of diversity and Inclusion. I always appreciate people being fully open and sharing their full truth, being real and authentic. That's who I am and I'm not going to allow boundaries and rules on vulnerability to censor my aunthencity. Anybody promoting this is sending the wrong message, a backdated ancient message about writing and is not following the conversations about belonging and authenticity...
Hi Dr Elsa, thanks for your feedback. As Kristina said, I'm not taking a right vs wrong position on this, it's simply what works for me. It's definitely not about censorship, just about knowing what works for you (which is different for everyone). My intention is simply to encourage others to think about their approach to vulnerability more deeply. The beautiful thing about Substack is that we can all take different approaches and ultimately find community regardless. Thanks for being here :)
Hi Elsa, what a wonderful first name! Love the name Elsa. I guess you know why 😆
I also think there's no right way to share messy stories. I encourage everybody to share them as they often explain who we are and why we're writing and acting the way we do. I was thinking about changing Trudie's headline yesterday to "my approach" something like this but the thought it would spark some discussion around this topic.
I'm not brave enough to share my raw family stories. I sometimes share parts of my challenging parenting life or corporate life. My dad had to go to hospital and I wrote multiple stories about this. Still haven't published them as I don't want to offend him or make him sad about what I'm thinking about his situation.
Trudie's story is about finding a balance. A balance that feels right for you. I'm struggling with this. It's similar to her hubby who doesn't want her to share anecdotes or photos.
I asked Trudie to hop in the comments and she'll answer in a bit. I'm curious what she'll reply.
Just checked your Medium blog. Great that you're taking writing seriously now. Your PhD is an unfair advantage on Medium. I'd capitalize on it meaning show it in your bio, name, about. Medium's Boost nommers are looking for professional expertise and personal experience. Medium is all about sharing raw, authentic stories with the world and I think it's brave you wanna do this.
Make sure to check the Boost eligible pubs to get Boosted and increase your earnings as this is what you definitely can thrive for as Medium is rewarding if someone dares to be open and vulnerable. Hope this helps ❤️ you could also think of writing a book with one Medium story at a time. With a PhD your chances are high that you also become a writer for the most popular pubs in your niche and share your message more broadly. Fingers crossed for you. Thanks for replying and sparking a conversation
I’m only vulnerable if there is a truth I need to speak and also knowing that others out there can relate. It is about finding that balance between sharing too much and not sharing enough.
I think that's what Trudie wanted to address. Finding the balance is crucial. Many are afraid of sharing their messy stories. I know people started sharing parts of their messy life story and then were harassed for doing so and stopped writing.
Glad Substack and Medium are save spaces to be vulnerable.
For me it's a fine line. I often also have the feeling there's a truth I need to speak but then I go one step back and also myself if I really want to share this story with the world. I don't want to offend anyone from my friend or family. When I started writing I shared a story about the infertility story of a friend and how it affected me in my pregnancy. Although I didn't mention her name she knew it was about her and she stopped talking with me entirely. Before she simply didn't talk with me about anything pregnancy related (wich was hard for me, but I did it for her). This story was the end of our friendship and so I think twice before I share anything.
Long story 😆 think daring to be vulnerable when writing online is important to talk about. There's not right ways it's Trudie's approach. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Miriam. Form your writing and the topics like Träume you cover I know you open up about your past and present. That's brave ❤️
Oh Kristina that must have been hard for you, and your friend. I find this happens for me when I mention my children - consent is something I’ve had to consider hard. Even when I’ve been interviewed in the news and they ask ages of kids - I’ve had to say I’m sorry but some of my children asked me not to slap their personal details in the public domain! This means the papers can get disappointed but hey I care about my children.
You mention Substack being safe to be vulnerable. It’s not uniformly safe one but. There’s quite a lot of hate comments/DMs etc. I just wrote a piece about haters the other day.
Hi Danusia, how are you? So I look up what people say on other forums like Reddit or Quora as many share the same sentiments.. for example the not glorious facts about special needs parenting. That shows I’m not alone so I can discuss it out in the open knowing it will reach someone. But the sad fact people will judge too and you have to accept that. But you need to find that line between being vulnerable enough to reach someone who can empathize or better yet truly understand and just tossing dirty laundry.
Hi Matt, I don't think there's a right way. Trudie neither does. It's more her approach of doing it what she's sharing here (as Elsa and co discuss here in the comments). I think that's important. If you want to share your personal stories and anecdotes with the world, do it as you can help yourself and so many others. However, if you don't feel ready yet, Trudie's tips help to find a balance between sharing too much and not and not sharing enough. It's a fine line. Sharing your messy stories isn't easy. It's bloody hard. At least for me.
Ooh, this was such a good reminder. Makes the entire concept of being vulnerable on the page easier to stomach. No one right way to do it. Appreciate that! Can guarantee I’ll remember this one.
Hey Matt, thanks for your comments. As Kristina mentioned, these are my thoughts only and what works for me, but I'm glad to hear it's sparked some thinking on your part. Go well :)
The vulnerability hangover is a thing!
Thanks for this article. Getting the balance right between being relatable and oversharing in our vulnerability is important IMHO.
Forgot to say, I’m thrilled to find another Australian on Substack, I think you’re the first I’ve come across!
Love the advice to wait a day or two. I can be a big oversharer in real life, but can be too closed online so when I do decide to share something personal online, it almost always takes me a few days to actually hit publish. Thank you for sharing!
This is so good. I'm a big believer in not sharing something until the initial pain/hurt/emotion has passed. Once I've dealt with it myself I often feel happier about putting it out there. While I'm processing it, it still feels too raw
I am Mr. Vulnerability. I am Irish.
I naturally tell stories about myself, some raw, others funny, many somewhat risky.
Those are the most practical guidelines I have read on if, when and how to “spill my guts” with vulnerability so I don’t hurt others I love or embarrass myself.
Thank you.
I am at a juncture of vulnerability. I am a former journalist who pivoted to nonprofit communications for 15 years. At 64, I am now considering a life of semi-retirement with coaching and writing.
I am researching if Substack is a smart platform for me. This and your other tips help.
My vulnerability platform for several years has been medium. I have written articles under the semi – pseudonym of M.M. O’Keefe. My middle name is Michael so the initials are accurate but when people in the industry I used to work for Googled my name they had to scroll down quite a bit and click to figure out M.M. is actually me. I have only occasionally written there as of late but still have a good collection of Medium stories on a variety of topics.
Focus is another challenge for me.
My new idea for integrated focus is to tell personal and practically helpful stories about ONE broad topic on Substack that could be curated and aggregated into a book.
Now that I am not working full-time I feel liberated and uninhibited to lower the drawbridge of my heart to a wider audience.
But my wife is very private.
Your guidelines are helpful to take it slow and never hit publish when I am emotional.
I am Irish. So I am often emotional.
I will keep reading more from experts like you before I start writing here.
Thanks.
Thanks for sharing Kristina
Vulnerability=Courage. Thank you for the courage to be authentic!
Love it! Thanks for your comment.
Thank you both for this article. I was eager to read it as soon as I saw it.
I'm trying to learn how to “be authentic” and effective while interfacing with a larger spectrum of society (something I historically avoid). It's about an admittedly difficult topic (destigmatizing abuse trauma & recovery). I'm aiming to reach those who can relate to the mental and emotional dynamics, if not always the physical/circumstantial events, while knowing many of my kindred are understandably in the closet and trying to find their way into the light.
My question, if I may, is about: “An example is sharing an anecdote that is only tangentially related to your subject, like someone sharing their childhood trauma in a post where it detracts, rather than adds value to, the story.” You probably have a much more informed view of what people share and why than I do. So I wish I had an exact example of what you mean.
How do I know what detracts and what adds? All I know for certain is how I would hear what I’m saying. But then, for me, discussing trauma and recovery is everyday conversation. After being told all of my therapy-life I’m not a mind-reader, it sounds like that’s what I must be – and why I find this subject so challenging. Any supportive input welcomed.
Thanks Bradley. I guess it's something we've all got to figure out for ourselves. An example that I've seen from Instagram is where someone talks about something painful that happened to them then started flogging a product (for sponcon). That's a more extreme example but hopefully you get the gist.
Hi Trudie, I often stop when writing a personal story and wonder: is it too personal or cringey? Sharing personal anecdotes is definitely not in my comfort zone.
But I want to open up to my audience on a deeper level so I'm sharing personal updates. I also don't want to be oversharing and often I have the feeling I don't have the right words for expressing my feelings in English. I always encourage people to share their messy stories. Scars over scabs.
Interesting that Danusia and Elsa thing it doesn't have to be relatable as I also thought this was important. Do you know the Call Me Daddy podcast? She's sharing vulnerable stories so many can relate to but you have the feeling she's wants to share them no matter what the audience thinks about it and that's what makes it so honest and raw.
Many thoughts here in the comments. Great that your post sparked the discussion on relatability.
Thought I'd add nunace to the 'it doesn't need to be relatable point and your point about oversharing. Let's liken this to charging fees or negotiating work pay. One person may say that charging 1k per day is a HUGE fee while another will see this as gross underpayment for their contributions. It is about threshold - where is your personal threshold and where is your growth zone?
I am private and measured and find writing personally pretty hard, depending on the subject. BUT I know that if I think I know where my readers thresholds are as my audience then I may be doing them a disservice. Who am I to assume I know what my readers can or cannot be with? It is always about what I am willing to stretch out into sharing. How unlikeable I am willing to be. How safe I wish to keep myself. How people pleasing I feel I must be in order to benefit from whatever this brings me - belonging, community, and so on.
Those of us who either write vulnerable posts and/or encourage people to look beyond relatability do NOT necessarily find this easy to do ourselves. We are no less concerned for who we are and the dangers that might come from doing this. But in the end we each take decisions about whether we are expanders. And perhaps too in what ways we will expand people's understanding. Is that aspirationally, inspirationally, relatably, or educationally. It can be a blend of these too.
Here's my popular piece on unlikeability, with prompts to help - it struck a chord https://danusiamalinaderben.substack.com/p/7-prompts-to-free-yourself-from-the
Thank you for this article, Trudie and Kristina.
Here’s what’s coming up for me: relatability. It’s something I explore in my Substack often, and it’s so closely tied to vulnerability. The idea that we’re supposed to write in a way that’s ‘relatable’ - and just vulnerable ‘enough’ - it’s got old, fast.
Think about neurodiversity. How does someone with a neurodivergent mind approach writing for an audience? And no, I’m not saying neurodivergent people are all the same - that would be ridiculous and offensive. But what about my tween 2E daughter, for example? She’s got her own Substack. She’s navigating her voice in a space that’s mostly adults. Is she supposed to shape-shift into something that pleases others, or can she just be her full, messy self?
Here’s the bottom line: when we put guardrails around how we ‘should’ write to fit in, without addressing the bigger, systemic issues - like the ones that exclude certain voices- we’re leaving out something important.
The real work, the kind that changes us, the kind that brings us closer to truth, comes from people showing up as they are. Not bending to fit. Leaning into discomfort. It’s often not ‘relatable.’ It’s raw, it’s real, and it goes all the way to the bone.
Agreed, Danusia, and thanks for your comments. The funny thing is that when we are raw and real, we often are relatable – not to *everyone*, as you've pointed out, but to the people who need to feel seen. I agree with you that trying to be relatable can work against you. I find just being authentic tends to make me relatable to some of my readers. I gave up trying to fit in years ago ;)
Informative
Nice you like it. It seemed to spark a discussion around vulnerability in writing which is great to see.
I think there's no right way.
Yes Wise One
I disagree with this completely. There is no right or wrong way on being vulnerable... it's whitewashing to suggest otherwise and excludes a clear and comprehensive understanding of diversity and Inclusion. I always appreciate people being fully open and sharing their full truth, being real and authentic. That's who I am and I'm not going to allow boundaries and rules on vulnerability to censor my aunthencity. Anybody promoting this is sending the wrong message, a backdated ancient message about writing and is not following the conversations about belonging and authenticity...
Hi Dr Elsa, thanks for your feedback. As Kristina said, I'm not taking a right vs wrong position on this, it's simply what works for me. It's definitely not about censorship, just about knowing what works for you (which is different for everyone). My intention is simply to encourage others to think about their approach to vulnerability more deeply. The beautiful thing about Substack is that we can all take different approaches and ultimately find community regardless. Thanks for being here :)
Hi Elsa, what a wonderful first name! Love the name Elsa. I guess you know why 😆
I also think there's no right way to share messy stories. I encourage everybody to share them as they often explain who we are and why we're writing and acting the way we do. I was thinking about changing Trudie's headline yesterday to "my approach" something like this but the thought it would spark some discussion around this topic.
I'm not brave enough to share my raw family stories. I sometimes share parts of my challenging parenting life or corporate life. My dad had to go to hospital and I wrote multiple stories about this. Still haven't published them as I don't want to offend him or make him sad about what I'm thinking about his situation.
Trudie's story is about finding a balance. A balance that feels right for you. I'm struggling with this. It's similar to her hubby who doesn't want her to share anecdotes or photos.
I asked Trudie to hop in the comments and she'll answer in a bit. I'm curious what she'll reply.
Just checked your Medium blog. Great that you're taking writing seriously now. Your PhD is an unfair advantage on Medium. I'd capitalize on it meaning show it in your bio, name, about. Medium's Boost nommers are looking for professional expertise and personal experience. Medium is all about sharing raw, authentic stories with the world and I think it's brave you wanna do this.
Make sure to check the Boost eligible pubs to get Boosted and increase your earnings as this is what you definitely can thrive for as Medium is rewarding if someone dares to be open and vulnerable. Hope this helps ❤️ you could also think of writing a book with one Medium story at a time. With a PhD your chances are high that you also become a writer for the most popular pubs in your niche and share your message more broadly. Fingers crossed for you. Thanks for replying and sparking a conversation
I’m only vulnerable if there is a truth I need to speak and also knowing that others out there can relate. It is about finding that balance between sharing too much and not sharing enough.
Yes, I agree. It is hard to find the balance, and I have definitely got it wrong sometimes! We're all here to learn, ultimately.
Yup we are and same here
I think that's what Trudie wanted to address. Finding the balance is crucial. Many are afraid of sharing their messy stories. I know people started sharing parts of their messy life story and then were harassed for doing so and stopped writing.
Glad Substack and Medium are save spaces to be vulnerable.
For me it's a fine line. I often also have the feeling there's a truth I need to speak but then I go one step back and also myself if I really want to share this story with the world. I don't want to offend anyone from my friend or family. When I started writing I shared a story about the infertility story of a friend and how it affected me in my pregnancy. Although I didn't mention her name she knew it was about her and she stopped talking with me entirely. Before she simply didn't talk with me about anything pregnancy related (wich was hard for me, but I did it for her). This story was the end of our friendship and so I think twice before I share anything.
Long story 😆 think daring to be vulnerable when writing online is important to talk about. There's not right ways it's Trudie's approach. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Miriam. Form your writing and the topics like Träume you cover I know you open up about your past and present. That's brave ❤️
Kristina, that's tough. I'm sorry you lost a friendship :(
Oh Kristina that must have been hard for you, and your friend. I find this happens for me when I mention my children - consent is something I’ve had to consider hard. Even when I’ve been interviewed in the news and they ask ages of kids - I’ve had to say I’m sorry but some of my children asked me not to slap their personal details in the public domain! This means the papers can get disappointed but hey I care about my children.
You mention Substack being safe to be vulnerable. It’s not uniformly safe one but. There’s quite a lot of hate comments/DMs etc. I just wrote a piece about haters the other day.
I really enjoyed todays article.
Hey Miriam, long time no speak 💞
I’m curious. How do you know others will relate? What happens if you feel or experience something you’ve never heard anyone write or talk about?
Hi Danusia, how are you? So I look up what people say on other forums like Reddit or Quora as many share the same sentiments.. for example the not glorious facts about special needs parenting. That shows I’m not alone so I can discuss it out in the open knowing it will reach someone. But the sad fact people will judge too and you have to accept that. But you need to find that line between being vulnerable enough to reach someone who can empathize or better yet truly understand and just tossing dirty laundry.
This is gold. Saved this one for future reference. Such a great breakdown of the how & why to do it well. Thank you! 🙏
Hi Matt, I don't think there's a right way. Trudie neither does. It's more her approach of doing it what she's sharing here (as Elsa and co discuss here in the comments). I think that's important. If you want to share your personal stories and anecdotes with the world, do it as you can help yourself and so many others. However, if you don't feel ready yet, Trudie's tips help to find a balance between sharing too much and not and not sharing enough. It's a fine line. Sharing your messy stories isn't easy. It's bloody hard. At least for me.
Ooh, this was such a good reminder. Makes the entire concept of being vulnerable on the page easier to stomach. No one right way to do it. Appreciate that! Can guarantee I’ll remember this one.
Hey Matt, thanks for your comments. As Kristina mentioned, these are my thoughts only and what works for me, but I'm glad to hear it's sparked some thinking on your part. Go well :)